Sodaro's Stories

September 20, 2012

Checking for Numbness

“I hurt myself today, to see if I still feel,
I focus on the pain, the only thing that’s real.” “Hurt,” Johnny Cash
I know Johnny Cash covered this song, but I actually prefer his version, which almost never happens because too many covers are only cheap imitations of the real thing…like Pleather…but I digress.
The opening lines of this song made me think about my novels and the writing I have been doing lately. For the past 2 1/2 years, I have had to keep checking for numbness. His birthday is next week and while I feel his presence with every word I write, I would give just about anything to talk to my friend again.
I haven’t wanted to feel, but what that did also was affect my ability to write any feelings. My writing comes entirely from my emotions, and while making myself numb has been acceptable in my dating life, it is not acceptable in the lives of my characters (Let’s not psychoanalyze that just yet, shall we?)
There are certain scenes that stay with you. I remember when I had 4 sections of American Literature and we watched Of Mice and Menand I had to watch Lennie get shot 4 times in one day. I cried every class period and would start to cry earlier and earlier, knowing it was coming.
In my novels, I have these scenes also. There is a scene in Whatever you Make of It, there is a scene in Arianna’s Honor, there is a scene in both of the Back on Trackseries, there is a scene in Broken Trust, etc. With these specific scenes, which may or may not affect the reader, I feel absolutely every bit of emotion…felt it when I wrote it…feel it every time I read it. These scenes let me know I’m not numb…These scenes let me know I am still alive. I find comfort in them as well as sadness…and that means I can still feel.
I have also started to write poetry again…which is of course the best sign as no poetry can be created when you are not feeling anything at all.


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