Sodaro's Stories

May 10, 2017


Filed under: Writer's thoughts — michelle sodaro @ 3:17 pm
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Just as there are things I need to do more of, there are just as certainly things I need to do less as well…

**Worrying — turns out it doesn’t help the situation in any way, shape, or form. Things always have a way of working themselves out, so worrying is wasted energy.

**Spending money — I don’t have my teacher salary anymore. Time to really stick to the budget…that’s the only way this works. And I’m not going to get into what teachers should be paid…that dead horse doesn’t need any more kicks.

**Eating out by myself — See above. Though I do this sometimes as a break to write outside of my office, but it needs, again, to stick with the budget. It is more important to me to have the rest of the year to write (and work 2nd job) than it is to have yet another Chipolte bowl.

**Beating myself up for wasted time — Relationships that didn’t go anywhere, time I could have been writing, exercising, cleaning, etc. , things I should have/could have done, friendships I never thought would have ended which ended all the same, etc. etc. etc. Time to let go and move on.

**Double work. I need to streamline some processes, consolidate some parts of the way I do things. Find what works and what can be improved.

**Mindless snacking — actually, not having any grading to do should alleviate this on its own. When I am writing (since there are very few things I can do/eat left-handed) I tend to forget to eat.

**Hiding from the world. No more un-faced fears. No more letting fear win.

May 18, 2016

Getting Closer

Filed under: Writer's thoughts — michelle sodaro @ 12:18 pm
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So I used to do things for all the wrong reasons, and it wasn’t until I lost everything that I even realized why I did the things I did.

SO much of my life has been me making decisions based on what other people would think or approve of (acknowledging how much I needed others approval, often at the cost of my own was a hard truth to face). I became the teacher my students needed me to be, the family member others needed me to be, the friend people needed me to be, the lover men needed me to be, even (and this is perhaps hardest to say) the writer others needed me to be….and it’s my doing. I trained people that I would bend for them, losing myself in the process…little bits at a time.

I used to hide behind my weight. I used to wear it like a badge…if they can’t accept me as I am then who needs them. I would reject them before they got the chance to know me or reject me. This gave me a semblance of control. It also left me lonely and vulnerable to men who tried to change me. I am now working on losing weight, on getting healthier…but I’m doing it for me. I’m doing it so when I go on book tours, I fit in an airplane seat and don’t get winded when I walk to my seat at my book signings.

I used to hide behind being a teacher. I was sure I didn’t have time to date or be in any kind of relationship because I needed to be the best teacher I could be. As a result of this, my students were the only people I talked to. This has caused me problems in my personal life on multiple levels.

I used to hide as an author…writing what was safe and acceptable. I used to have people’s voices in my head as I would write and while I was never disloyal to the story, I would change things if I thought someone might not approve.

It’s an amazing feeling to be free. To not worry about anyone’s approval but my own, and what I have found…is that it has brought and kept the most amazing people in my life. It has made me a stronger woman, a more balanced teacher, and a more authentic writer. And I love it.

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